The 80’s was a great time for movies where Your Dream Will Come True. As long as you wanted it bad enough, worked hard enough, danced long enough, you would get that prized place on a TV show, or a dance school, or in a gym meet, etc. etc.

While not exactly truthful, this penchant for wish fulfillment is charmingly 80’s tastic. And while we’ve all seen those dance movies, what about a film that zeroes in on the most 80’s, the most American, the most fucking healthy of all crazes? That’s right, folks, an entire movie about Aerobics. This movie exists, and it’s a little 1984 gem called Heavenly Bodies. One of the only feature films to be distributed by Playboy, this film stars the luminous Cynthia Dale as Samantha Blair, a single mother with A Big Dream.

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My senior year of college, my best friend Marion and I decided our goal for the year was to watch every film in the horror movie section at our local video store, Gold Star Video. There were 217 movies in that section and in that year we made it through 175.  Unfortunately, we made the poor decision of watching all the cool ones first, which meant we had to slog through many many terrible films as our enthusiasm for the project waned. But, luckily, along the way there were several gems that kept us afloat. Final Exam was one of these films.

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As a die-hard horror fan, I feel I have the right to say that Friday the 13^th has never been a particularly intellectual series.  It is has never made chronological sense, nor tried to explain how Jason mysteriously transformed from a drowning 10-year-old boy into a hulking, deformed indestructible killer. But that’s okay. Audiences (for some reason) accept this and enjoy the series for what it is – cheap thrills, kills, and boobies. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy these things as much as the next gore hound. But after number 5, I tune out. Read on, dear reader, and find out why…

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It is my humble opinion that every film should open with hot chicks named Candy and Sunshine in booty shorts on roller skates. Luckily for me, Midnight Madness does just that! This little seen 1980  release is truly joyous and a rousing good time.  After all, it’s a film about an all night scavenger hunt! How can that concept not be fun?

The honeys on roller skates are the playthings of uber nerd Leon, the “game master” behind his brainchild scavenger hunt, the great all nighter. After a year of planning and watching, he has carefully selected 5 teams to compete in this hunt to end all hunts. The teams have from sundown to sunup to follow clues to a final location, where the winner will be announced.

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It is a known fact that Phoebe Cates is the hottest babe of the 1980’s. The fantasy sequence in Fast Times at Ridgemont High caused thousands of teenage boys to spend an extra 10 minutes in the shower. If you were one of those lads got all hot and bothered in Fast Times, you are going to blow a fuse in Private School for Girls, one of the sexiest, silliest T&A comedies to come out of the 1980’s.

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There was a point in history, way ass back in the 80’s, when Brad Pitt was billed second to names like Donovan Leitch and Jill Schoelen. Oh how I long for those days of yore. Donovan Leitch has more charisma in his little finger than Brad Pitt has in his whole…well, you know. (Let the backlash begin!) The movie of which I speak is a little seen 1989 slasher flick called Cutting Class. (The movie is better than the title, I promise). In addition to the afore mentioned names, the film also stars Martin Mull and Roddy McDowell (in one of his strangest film appearances – he shows up with a Carmen Miranda fruit hat on in one scene).

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In general, movies made from television shows are of lesser quality than the series they come from. But the chipmunks don’t mess around. * The Chipmunk Adventure is, in my humble opinion, one of the greatest animated films ever produced. It’s a musical! It’s an action film! It involves children smuggling diamonds! In short, it rocks.

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Oh, Julia, you’re stuck in the 80’s! I hear this, quite frequently, from friends of mine. Some say it with a knowing smile, and a “you’re so wacky” tone of voice, others with a grim shake of the head and a glance of pity. Either way, this statement is true. I fantasize about all things 80’s on a regular basis. I read Bret Easton Ellis novels voraciously, I listen to Journey and REO Speedwagon without irony, I have even been known to search websites for pictures and descriptions of the now gone candy bars of my youth. On any given day, I will pretend it is 1984 in my head. I’m not joking around.

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