Much like the tumblers falling into place in some massive, universe-spanning lock that trembles ever closer to opening some terrible, apocalyptically final door that will usher in the end of all things as one unspeakable Lovecraftian abomination after another comes spilling out of that Stygian pit to herald the prophesied Armageddon that nearly religions, cults, and cultures believe will happen in some form or another, today marks the unholy union of two horrors colliding to form another, larger, perhaps ultimately final Horror: Larry the Cable Guy will star in the sequel to the 1996 Arnold Schwarzenegger vehicle Jingle All the Way.
That’s right—Larry the Cable Guy, the collection of manipulative “blue-collar” affectations that coalesced into a comedy act character that married casual racism, prideful incuriosity, and lowest-common-denominator punchlines is somehow going to star in an upcoming film, and that film is a sequel to an 18-year-old Arnold Schwarzenegger comedy. WWE star Santino Marella will co-star, with direction from Alex Zamm, known for the cinema classic Tooth Fairy 2. In case you hadn’t already guessed, this one will be straight to video.
May our end be swift and painless before the Old Ones breach the doorway and devour reality with their tusked, tentacled and bleach-white mouths before this thing gets finished.
We’re not overreacting, right?