It’s that time of year again, Thanksgiving. Time to meet up with your likely dysfunctional family and see those relatives you spend all year trying to avoid. So take a deep breath, put aside your differences, pick up those mashed potatoes and fight the impulse to shout over the table “Stop sending me Candy Crush requests Grama!”.
To help with the coping, here is a list of Thanksgiving festivities hosted by T.V. families that you’d be thankful not to be a part of.
Hosts: The White family
Guests: Flynn, Marie, Hank, Jesse (Let’s say some people are still alive)
Food: It would probably be an assortment of breakfast foods per Flynn’s request. He would likely have his usual plate of eggs and toast with cereal. At least there would be bacon. Maybe Hank would grill something up while Walt schemes what to put the ricin powder in. Let’s not forget the Blue Sky.
Downsides: Marie’s nagging and possible klepto habits would be the least of your worries. You’ve got the major tension between Walt and Hank because lets say theoretically this takes places after the W.W. reveal. Hank would be trying to get Walt to admit he’s Heisenberg the whole time. Then who knows what major shade Skyler’s gonna throw as she passes the syrup that could lead to a super awkward moment at the dinner table. You’ll also have to wait to ingest food that you’ve seen Walt consume lest he poisons you with the ricin but he’d be good about misleading you. And God forbid Skyler buys regular Raisin Bran instead of Raisin Bran Crunch because there is no worse fury than Walt Jr.’s if his breakfast got messed up.
Silver lining: Jesse saying ‘bitch’ and the likelihood you’d make a break for it with him and hit up Pollos Hermanos. However, there is a chance that if you’re seen with him the White Supremacist gang will put a bullet through your eyes. You’d just be someone else he’d lose. Poor Jesse.
Hosts: Ted and maybe the Mother
Guests: Barney, Robin, Lily, Marshall, baby Marvin
Food: Probably a traditional feast put together by everyone. Lily may have mastered the 7-layer mayo dip by now with M&M’s, Doritos and the like. The mother will probably provide the delicious ‘Sumbitches’ cookies.
Downside: Yeah it seems cool to get to hangout with the gang you want to be friends with. You know, have drinks with them at MacLaren’s before dinner and get ready for a Legend….wait for it…dary night. But really, it would probably be Ted telling the story of how he met the mother. It would be a dinner that would span over nine seasons. You’d find out every sordid detail about all the women who were not the mother and then be mad about him stopping right where he met her. Did he just know when he met her? How is there any pay-off in not knowing how they got together and being left to wonder if they had any obstacles in their relationship to justify NINE seasons of seeing how things didn’t work out with Robin. Maybe we want to know what he and the mother go through to discover they’re each other’s the One. Ever think of that Ted?
Silver lining: You’d get to witness Marshall slapping Barney for Slapsgiving and maybe another Robin Sparkles video would be unearthed.
Host: Hannibal Lecter
Guests: Will, though Lecter said there would be more guests….
Food: A beautiful array of culinary delights made by the host. Everything would look delicious and meticulously put together. You couldn’t even tell what kind of meats they are or care because everything would look absolutely mouth watering. You’ll eat whatever is put before you without thinking about it and it would probably taste AMAZING!
Downsides: It dawns on you that no one else is showing up and things taste particularly foreign–tasty but somehow just doesn’t sit well. The small talk between Will and Hannibal leaves you mighty suspicious as you’re told the neighbor had a hand in making the meat pie. Just nod and have more Chianti as Hannibal looks at you like you’re some piece of meat and like he’d just eat you up. That’s normal, right? Maybe he asks if you like tongue and you think it’s a come on until he puts a dish before you.
Silver lining: At least you weren’t dinner. Better hope Lecter doesn’t ask you to help with dessert.
Host: The Stark Family
Guests: Let’s say this is more of a wedding party with many folks in attendance for such a joyous celebration.
Food: A mighty fine feast with music and ale. The main dish is pink lamb. Flowing libations for everyone to get piss drunk.
Downsides: What downsides? They’re playing awesome music, everyone is having fun as the band begins to play “The Winds of Castmere” (Totally the court’s jam). You notice someone has spilled a lot of red wine, but like A LOT. That’s definitely a party foul and downside. You follow the trail of the wine and realize its not wine but blood spewing from the throat of Lady Catelyn Tully. You realize everyone around you is getting massacred. Robb Stark gets beheaded. Everyone you ever cared about gets killed before your eyes and your fate is a grizzly death.
Silver lining: Your death is something the Thrones fandom will hate and love George R.R. Martin for.
Keeping Up with The Kardashians
Host: Kanye and Kim but mostly Kanye because Kanye.
Guests: The Kardashian clan and maybe the Jenners–Oh and Jayden Smith.
Food: A meal other people made.
Downsides: Everything. Kris Jenner. The girls. The waivers you have to sign because you’ll end up on the show. The ‘Bound 2′ video on repeat. The dinner speeches getting interrupted by Kanye who thinks Kim’s speech was the best speech even though he probably interrupted hers too. The ego feeding on everyone’s part about their relevance. Stopping for re-shoots. The fact that this party makes you want to jump at the chance to attend all of the above Thanksgiving feasts or has you seriously wanting to go all Red Wedding on them.
Silver lining: Scott Disick’s sass and baby Nori.
Now, aren’t you glad those aren’t the parties you’re going to? You’re probably ready to attend to your Thanksgiving feast, put on that Heisenberg hat, knock on the door and be The Danger.