There are some people who groan when thinking about Christmas. They believe it doesn’t center on family, love and sometimes religion but the consumerism that can taint the holiday season. Then there’s the little a-hole kids who think that all Christmas is is just a time to get the best presents, not caring about what lengths their parents go through in order to get what their little selfish heart so desires. So, during one of the most family-centric times of year, we’d like to point out some of the most God-awful fictional kids to ever celebrate Christmas (at least, in movies). They’re ones who put up a b–ch when they didn’t get their favorite present in the whole world, didn’t have their Christmas turn out the way they want it to, so on and so forth. Simply put: these five kids need to be taught a lesson.
#5: Ralphie’s Brother from A Christmas Story
This little boy doesn’t know the meaning of shut up, does he? Year after year we watch Ralphie’s slow brother manipulate his mother, older brother and anybody else he can into letting him get his own way. And if he doesn’t? He cries about it. When you see him he’s even pouting about falling in the snow. You’re not a turtle, kid. All you have to do is roll over and then you can get up, so don’t give us none of that baloney. What makes it even worse is how he acts on Christmas Day. This little brat goes ahead and automatically lays claim on most of the presents he sets his eyes on, not even looking to see if any of them are labeled to him. He even pushes Ralphie out of the way when he sees a present that he’d rather have in his hands instead of his older brother’s. It’s a miracle this little brat decided to let Ralphie have his rifle… oh wait, that’s right. The only reason he got it was because he was asleep. This kid should have a stocking filled with coal for Christmas.
#4: “Blue Christmas” Girl from The Year Without A Santa Claus
Sometimes we’re really disappointed when we find out that a relative won’t be able to make it home in time for Christmas. Then there’s that big ribboned little girl in The Year Without A Santa Claus who’s selfishly prodding poor old Kris Kringle to get off of his sick butt and deliver toys to kids on Christmas Eve. At this point in the movie everybody around the world declared that Santa Claus, after traveling around for hundreds of years dishing out presents, should get a break just this once. Then this girl comes in telling Santa to cut the crap, go out there and deliver presents. That she’ll have a “Blue Christmas” if he doesn’t do so. Why? You’re asleep when he’s coming by anyways, so its not like Santa’s a pen pal of hers that she actually sees once a year. All because he didn’t come in, sneak into your place and leave you an additional present on top of the many others you already have gives you reason to bug poor Santa? Do us a favor little girl and let Santa rest. All because you manipulated him with your woe-is-me song to let go of the only year he may possibly relax, and I don’t know, recover from his awful sickness, means that you’re getting a huge lump of coal wrapped in a bow, waiting for you under the Christmas tree.
#3: Scott Calvin’s Kid in The Santa Clause
Scott Calvin has one of the most stubborn and dim-witted holiday kids to ever exist in Christmas movies. We’re referring to Charlie, his six year old son with a bowl haircut that should never be brought back into style as long as I live. This kid has it good. He’s got a brand new father (Judge Reinhold) who loves him as if he were his own, a caring mother. Then there’s Tim Allen’s Scott Calvin, his biological father who happens to be neat in his eyes the minute he is bestowed the duties of Santa Claus. Instead of keeping this whole Santa Claus business a secret, Charlie decides to tell anybody with ears. He doesn’t give a crap that his step-father is a respectable, kind man who treats him fine, he wants the father who so conveniently turned into Santa Claus. To make things worse, he gets himself separated from his father by the State of Illinois just because he decided to tell the judge that his father is Santa Claus, thus making his biological father look absolutely insane in the eyes of the law. He knows he could tell them that his father is Scott Calvin, respectable businessman but no, he would rather get his father in hot water with the State. Way to go kid. We hope your father put a huge snow globe filled with coal underneath your tree after all the trouble you caused.
#2: That Pouty Little Boy in Jingle All The Way
Dear daddy who happens to look a lot like Arnold Schwarzenegger, I’d love for you to buy me this super expensive popular toy or else you’re the worst father in the world. Love, your ungrateful little son. This kid has it coming. Okay so his father works a lot. The only reason why he has to rake in so much money is so that this little brat can get any toy he wants, live in the lap of luxury in the suburbs with his mother and never worry about whether or not the water might get shut off. Instead he pouts and pretty much hates his father until he gives him the one toy he’s been wanting all year. Will that really make your Christmas, you awful little boy? You do realize that your father had to fight a bunch of mall Santas, make an ass out of himself in a Christmas parade, and battle Sinbad, right? That little boy deserves a swift kick in the ass with a coal boot more than anything else.
#1: Spendthrift Kevin in Home Alone 2: Lost In New York
Oh don’t even get me started on Kevin. Okay, so his parents were absolute idiots in ditching him the first time around. At least he was safe at home! Well, kind of. The second time around he decides to split from his family at the airport and hop on a plane over to New York because his big brother hurt his feelings. Boo-freaking-hoo. To make things worse, he decides to steal daddy’s credit card and charge the hell out of it with purchases from the toy store and getting the best room in the swankiest hotel you can find in New York City. And the family should be happy, hugging him and thankful that they have him? Okay, so he learns his lesson but still, Kevin’s parents are better off replacing all the furniture in his room at home with coal for the crap he did in New York City. You deserved to have those robbers find you again you little punk-ass kid.
Honorable Mention: Harry Ellis in Die Hard
Okay, so he’s not a kid, but this man freely gave up John McClane’s identity. He deserves to be filled with bullets full of coal. ‘Nuff said.