How’s this sound for the basis of a feature film upon which millions and millions of dollars will be spent: a 1970s toy figure of a muscular blond man in his underwear who can stretch his appendages and body from 15 inches up to five feet. His skin is latex rubber and his body is filled with gooey corn syrup. Box office success, right? Well, for some bizarre reason, Hollywood seems to think so, as the Stretch Armstrong project, once thought to be dead in the water, is actually happening.
Some time ago, the film was in development at Universal, with Taylor Lautner of Twilight fame set to star in the film that would, in the distant future, be the moment in which biographers would say, “yep, right there, we can actually pinpoint the exact moment of career suicide—it was Stretch Armstrong.” However, Stretch Armstrong never made it into the production stage, and the whole project faded from public memory like the would-be nightmare that it was.
Apparently, the improbably named Breck Eisner (Sahara, The Crazies remake) is set to direct the Stretch Armstrong adaptation for Relativity. The film will be scripted by Greg Poirier, who wrote National Treasure: Book of Secrets. So, just so you have it straight, a Stretch Armstrong film directed by the guy who remade The Crazies and written by a National Treasure sequel scribe will be coming soon to a theater near you. You may just want to hide in your basement for the next year or so until this blows over.
What do you think of the Stretch Armstrong news?