Yesterday, we reported that Hasbro and Michael Bay were gunning for a fourth Transformers film. And if that wasn’t enough bad news for one week, month, year, or decade, try this on for size: it looks like the fourth and fifth (sweet, sweet Jesus protect us) Transformers films are going to be made simultaneously. And since Shia LaBlablaheooffa has said that he will not return to the franchise, it seems like someone else is going to step in as the human hero of the series—Jason Statham.
Michael Bay plus two more Transformers films plus Jason Statham doing that bald growling stare thing equals THE END OF TIMES, people. How is this not obvious? Wasn’t there something in the Book of Revelation about this? “Yea, and when the twin canisters are opened, and the Bay-beast unleashes a visually incomprehensible mash of CGI, poor dialogue, and mildly racist stereotypes, led by he, the bald guy who beat up a bunch of cops and got tased in Crank 2, locusts shall black the skies and blood will etch the seas in crimson as Hasbro’s century-long dominion of the earth shall begin.” Do I have that right? I think I have that right.
Meanwhile, screenwriter Ehren Kruger reportedly already has ideas for future installments… the franchise will somehow have to carry on without Shia LaBeouf scurrying about, occasionally pausing to gaze in disbelief at the sky, but producers are already considering replacing him with a new lead, Jason Statham, who would presumably be introduced as an all-new character.
Ok, so maybe that’s not as dire as my interpretation, but hey, this still sounds terrible.
What do you think of the Transformers news?