If you’re a regular viewer of TV’s Dancing With The Stars (and if you are, we really, really need to talk—there are places that can help you, ok?  You don’t have to keep doing this to yourself), you’ll probably have noticed that Kirstie Alley apparently has two left feet and plods around like a bull in dancing shoes.  But, according to Alley, there is a conspiracy afoot to kick her off the show (dum dum duuuummmm!).

“I do think it’s a conspiracy. I think that the other girls came into my dressing room and tampered with my shoe,” Alley stated, as she then accidentally cartwheeled into a wall, leaving a Kirstie Alley-shaped hole, Looney Tunes-style.   “And I’m not going to name any names … Petra,” she finished.

Get it, you guys?  She was only kidding.  Oh, Kirstie, you’ve danced your way right back into our hearts.  And now you’re stamping all over our aorta, and, seriously, if you keep tripping over the superior vena cava we’re gonna have to talk.  And, ouch, honey, you’re flatfooting all over the left pulmonary artery… if you could just maybe look down when you move…

Dimewars has it that Alley admits that her performances have been doomed from the start:

“Honestly, there were several mistakes that I made before that but when he spun me, my shoe just came off. I could have danced barefoot but it was hooked to my ankle so I couldn’t get it off and I couldn’t keep it on.”

So there you go.  Let the nail-biting suspense begin (but not really).

What do you think of Alley on Dancing with the Stars?