In feud THAT NO ONE ON THE PLANET IS SICK OF YET, GUYS, SO PLEASE KEEP DOING THIS IN PUBLIC BECAUSE IT’S SOOO ENTERTAINING AT THIS POINT, Two and a Half Men creator Chuck Lorre has hit back at Charlie Sheen, via his trademark ‘vanity card’ (it’s a post-credits, sometimes blink-and-you’ll-miss-it screen at the end of his sitcoms where he flashes a quick message to fans and/ or enemies).  And, according to The Hollywood Reporter, last night’s broadcast of The Big Bang Theory featured a vanity card reference to the ongoing Charlie Sheen debacle.

Whenever I’ve gone through tough times, well-meaning people have told me that God/the universe does not give us more than we can handle. Well, I’ve been going through a tough time recently, and sure enough, that old saying has been tossed my way on several morose occasions. After some careful consideration, I’ve decided it’s bull$#*!. As an aphorism, it only makes sense in hindsight – after you’ve managed to crawl from the wreckage of whatever calamity that God/the universe decided to toss your way. No one ever uses it to comfort someone who’s been hit by a bus or turned into a puddle of goo by flesh-eating bacteria (although in the right circumstance, that could be a hoot). Another thing I hear a lot is, “this too shall pass.” Again, I know these are words meant to reassure, but somehow they always leave me feeling that heartbreak, rage and grief are going to come shooting out of me like kidney stones through an inflamed urethra. For someone in crisis, I think a more accurate and helpful assessment of reality would be, “Love, sex, food, friendship, art, play, beauty and the simple pleasure of a cup of tea are all well and good, but never forget that God/the universe is determined to kill you by whatever means necessary.” Consider trying that next time you’re called on to do some consoling. If you’re feeling impish, you might also try, “According to the rules of comedy, your suffering will be funny after an undetermined length of time. Maybe not while you’re having your gangrenous leg sawed off, watching your home burn down or learning how to be intimate with your cellmate, but, in the big scheme of things, soon.”

Well, ok then.  So either that means that he’s finding ways to positively deal with the whole ‘Chuck Sheen is a mad man’ thing, or maybe he’s just launching a war of words with God—I dunno, it gets a little muddled there in the middle.  But one thing is for certain—as long as this ridiculous battle between Lorre and Sheen ensures that Two and a Half Men will not come back on the air, this pop culture slapfight might just be worth it.  I mean really—have you seen that show?  I’d rather have to write about a million more of these self-involved musings than ever be forced to gaze upon that show (did you know they’re broadcast on plane flights?  Torture!).

What do you think of Lorre’s most recent vanity card?