***For Other Sections: Part 2 – Best Animated Short to Costume Design; Part 3 – Best Original Song to Memoriam; Part 4 – Best Actor to Best Picture ***

Greetings, kids! Welcome to ScreenCrave’s Official Live Blog for the 83rd Annual Academy Awards.

We’ll be bringing you snark-by-snark coverage of The Big Show all night long. So stay tuned for the big winners, the big production numbers, and the ruthless dissection of both.

Stay tuned, it’s about to get very sarcastic in here:

5:59 – And Melissa Leo keeps her perfect streak of having a nervous breakdown on stage at every awards show for which she wins an award alive. Plus her streak of making it seem like she didn’t expect this at all despite winning every single award. She did let an F-Bomb slip, however, so at least she has that going for her. Seems like a good place to conclude this entry.

5:58 – WINNER – Melissa Leo wins Best Supporting Actress for The Fighter – My predictions: 0 for 3 (Hailee Steinfeld)

5:56 – Wow, Kirk Douglas is definitely Public Enemy Number 1 amongst the five nominees. They must all be about to bum rush the stage.

5:53 – Why do I have a feeling that if I called Anne Hathaway gorgeous in front of a Billion people that she wouldn’t quite respond by blowing me kisses? It pays to be a screen legend. It certainly pays.

5:49 – Roger Deakins is now 0 for 9 at the Oscars. Amazingly, that’s barely more than half-way to Randy Newman’s mark of 15 nominations before he collected his first win.

5:48 – WINNER – Wally Pfister, Best Cinematography for Inception – My predictions: 0 for 2 (True Grit)

5:46 – Wow, I’ve seen hummingbirds’ hearts beat slower than Robert Stromberg’s. I love seeing some real nerves and surprise at the Oscars.

5:45 – WINNER – Alice in Wonderland for Best Art Direction – My predictions: 0 for 1 (I picked The King’s Speech)

5:45 – It seriously took Tom Hanks 90 seconds just to finish the introduction to introducing the nominees. I didn’t think it was possible to want Tom Hanks to shut up. But here we are.

5:43 – Hey, it’s a big illuminated mural of Gone With the Wind following by a long Oscar history lesson. I’m not really sure what’s going on, but it reminds me of what the Oscars would look like if the directors of An Inconvenient Truth were in charge.

5:41 – Hrmm… Questions from the audience. The end of that had the makings of the laziest SNL monologue of the season. Should’ve just stayed with the pre-packaged clips, producers.

5:39 – And there they go – exchanging one-liners. Awkward and flat. I don’t blame them – it’s essentially impossible to make two-person stand-up funny unless you’re Laurel and Hardy or Abbott and Costello. Strange how this form of entertainment keeps making its way into a show honoring the most creative people in the entertainment industry.

5:38 – There was a rumor Christopher Lloyd and Michael J. Fox were showing up for a Back to the Future-themed piece. I hope that’s not all we get.

5:34 – This MTV Movie Awards-like insertion into the Best Picture nominees is definitely the best choice for these hosts’ to intro the Oscars. It plays perfectly to their strengths. Putting them onstage trading one-liners or some silly production number just wouldn’t have worked for them.

5:31 – I think if there was a channel that just showed non-stop Movie Clip montages, I would never turn it off. Needless to say, I dug the Best Picture clip intro.

5:27 – I think it’s now official: All pre-shows should end with Tom Hanks. Super Bowl pre-game? Tom Hanks. AVN Awards? Tom Hanks. The E! Red Carpet Show for this ridiculous Jake Gyllenhaal movie? Tom Hanks!

5:25 – Halle Berry says she modeled her career after Lena Horne’s. It’s true, just without all that pesky talent.

5:24 – Tom Hanks’ acceptance speech for Philadelphia loses to Roberto Benigni climbing over chairs in an audience poll. Nice to know that classy and elegant still can’t trump somebody making a fool out of themselves. Stay sharp, America.

5:22 – Liked Hugh Jackman’s little story about the stage manager telling him: “Good luck, only about a Billion people watching. Don’t mess it up.” Nice to know stage hands aren’t afraid to mess with the biggest star of the evening.

5:17 – Tim Gunn described Hailee Steinfeld’s dress as “age appropriate”. Was there an iCarly logo that I missed?

5:16 – “There’s so many actors out there who get so many good movies made that don’t capture the public’s attention. I’ve been in those movies so many times.” – Hey, @HumbleBrag – I think we have our first Oscar night entry courtesy of Christian Bale

5:13 – Question: More relevant in American Popular Culture – Keith Urban or Nicole Kidman? I think Urban is ahead by a mile.

5:09 – Hey! It’s Ben Mankiewicz. Attempting a sports analogy! That was about as painful as watching a starting point guard try to fly fish with a golf ball made of a hockey puck. (Yes, that sports analogy made more sense than Mankiewicz’s)

5:08 – I’m not body language expert, but Sandra Bullock looking directly up in the air before she responds to every question can’t be a good thing, right?

5:06 – What would Justin Timberlake like to do less? Talk to Tim Gunn or watch a tape of him crying on ‘Punk’d’ on a 12-hour loop? I think it’s about a draw.

5:04 – ABC just lied and said this is the first time the hosts have ever appeared on the pre-show. That’s not true at all. I specifically remember them interviewing Jon Stewart and Ellen DeGeneres before they hosted on this same show. And each time it was exactly like this interview of James Franco: Incredibly awkward as the host only had one thing on their mind: The fact that they’re about to host the biggest event of the year!

5:03 – Natalie Portman referring to Darren Aronofsky as “The Bees Knees” = The Funniest Thing Robin Roberts Has Ever Heard.

5:01 – Wait – Why is Jennifer Hudson leading off the hour? Why is she even at the Oscars? What’s that you say? She won an Oscar? Is it too late to take it back?

5:00pm – After flipping around the Oscar pre-shows all afternoon, I’m flabbergasted: Kim Kardashian has a single coming out? I may actually have to tune into one of her fourteen shows for the first time. That’s gotta be 10/10 on the trainwreck level.