“CSI: Miami” is back from its one-month hiatus, and it’s reopening old wounds: Memmo Fierro’s back in town, and he’s out for blood.  Horatio has been a little skeeved-off at the guy ever since he assassinated his wife, and as you might guess he doesn’t take kindly to the prospect of a Memmo rampage.  Read on to find out the details.

The Players:

  • Director: Matt Earl Beesly
  • Written By: Brian Davidson
  • Cast: David Caruso, Emily Procter, Adam Rodriguez, Eva LaRue, Jonathan Togo, Rex Linn, Omar Benson Miller

Episode Title: “Last Stand”

When a police captain is gunned down right after a major drug bust by the Mala Noche, the CSI team is called in to investigate.  It quickly becomes obvious that someone is behind the increased Mala Noche activity, and that that someone is Memmo Fierro, the killer of Horatio’s wife.  While the techs track him down, they also have to figure out the identity of a mysterious tipster and prevent any more Miami mayhem.

The Good:

  • It’s a Sabotage: The opening scene was a classic CSI: Miami set piece; it managed to maintain a tone of general uneasiness even during a supposedly wonderful drug bust and timed the “all hell breaks loose” moment perfectly.  It also contains the most ominous tricycle-riding kid this side of The Shining, and while he’s in no way connected with the story it helped set the brooding tone.  Unfortunately, everything basically went downhill from there.

The Bad:

  • Uh, Spoiler Alert?: CBS has been announcing for weeks now that this episode was going to revolve around Memmo Fierro, and the episode description on their website says exactly that.  But in the actual episode itself, we only find this out midway through the investigation.  It could have been a memorable twist; instead, they decided to spoil the big reveal.  More than that, it kind of ruined the whole point of the show.  Look, when you’re making a TV series that revolves around solving mysteries the absolute worst thing to do is to tell us ahead of time who did it.
  • The God Computer Returns: After a couple CSI: Miami episodes that stayed refreshingly close to scientific realism, the God Computer is back with a vengeance.  This time it’s a double-whammy: First off, it manages to do the much-lampooned “zoom and enhance” trick, taking a blurry video still and blowing up the tattoos on a far-away bystander’s hands enough to be instantly recognizable.  And because once just isn’t enough, it also manages to display two audio signals in a way that the techs are able to figure out they’re different simply by looking at them – even though they admit one or both of them must be distorted.  We’re not sure why anyone at the CSI: Miami lab even has a job, considering how brilliant this computer is.
  • Couch of Steel: At one point, the techs get pinned behind a couch while automatic weapons are fired.  It’s apparently the most bulletproof couch every devised, however, as not a single bullet hits any of them (with the exception of an unfortunate uniformed cop who didn’t get behind the kevlar upholstery.)  There’s enough time for H to make an unhurried phone call, then slowly wander around the bad guys and shoot them in the back.  Why they don’t make body armor out of couches, we’ll never know.
  • Didn’t Get the Memmo: The ending – where Memmo decides to visit an “abandoned” boat without bringing any backup despite it practically screaming “TRAP!” – is one of the most ridiculous scenes in CSI: Miami history.  It’s hard to take a supposedly tension-filled scene seriously when the whole thing could have been avoided with a few more men.  And the final conversation Memmo and H have is more pretentious than a beret-wearing foreign-film snob and twice as cheesy as the state of Wisconsin.  It’s both incredibly melodramatic and incredibly stupid, a suicidal combination for any TV show.

The Quotable:

  • “This is just the beginning.” “You know what?  I agree.”
  • “What the hell?  That was a client!” “I bet it was.”
  • “We’re here… to say hello.”  “Hello.” “Yeah… hello.”
  • “I. Want. A. Lawyer.” “THEN LET’S GET THIS FINE UPSTANDING TAXPAYER A LAWYER!”
  • “I didn’t miss from there, I’m not going to miss from here.”
  • “I’m bleeding here, I want to go to a hospitaaaaaaugh.”
  • “Hey, where’s my hospital?” “You ain’t got the insurance.”
  • “Do me a favor.  Take that piece of trash out.  Now.”
  • “I guess Salazar’s dead, then.” “That would be correct.”

Overall:

A pretty good opening and some hectic action sequences are not enough to save this episode; it makes pretty much every mistake a crime show can, from bad science to spoiling the mystery to silly action sequences.  Don’t bother.

Rating: 3/10

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