Over the years Danny Trejo has made a living being the scariest, meanest, most badass ‘that guy’ in Hollywood. Need a psychotic Mexican to scare the shit out of a kid? Call Trejo. Need a stand-in to remind everyone not to ever, ever fuck with a guy who rocks a horseshoe mustache (while wearing leather) unless he taps your foot underneath the stall first? Dan’s your man.

Over time, we’ve gone from being vaguely weirded out by Trejo to wanting to model expensive glassware after his asymmetrical face. He’s not just a success story. He’s the success story. I move that we just skip the pretense and admit our man-crush and speculate over what woman from his new movie Machete deserves to be his arm candy. Contestants will be judged on personality, compatibility, and their kill factor. Why kill factor? If you’re around Danny Trejo, somebody always dies, that’s why.

Jessica Alba as Sartana

  • Compatibility: Trejo is a Robert Rodriguez stalwart, and Alba has been in more Rodriguez films (2) than any other contestant, and she has an uncanny knack for being half-naked in them. Point.
  • Personality: As a muse, she elicits a ‘damsel in distress’ trigger that’s both hypnotizing and galvanizing. Hypnotizing because you would have sex with her. Galvanizing because you would have sex with her. Point.
  • Kill Factor: Never underestimate the damsel in distress trigger – it makes guys lose their shit and forget the sixth commandment, the one about not murdering for the sake of a hot girl. Wherever she goes, she’s on the verge of turning any establishment into the lost footage of Road House, except with chainsaws and machetes instead of mullets and faux-kung fu. Point.

Lindsay Lohan as April

  • Compatibility: Very strong. In her first collaboration with Trejo, Lohan portrays a nun who likes to play with guns. Coincidence? No, because not unlike Lohan, Trejo comes from a conspicuous past in which something like that isn’t ironic in the least. However, Danny Trejo only needed one go around to flush the junkie-demons in his head. No Points.
  • Personality: To a more straight and narrow man, a nun with a gun would seem like a fundamental contradiction, but in Trejo’s world, cleaning up your act probably means joining the covenant and spreading the righteous hand of God with boobs and firearms. Point.
  • Kill Factor: Just look at that poster and try to convince yourself that that wouldn’t be how you would want to go – capped by a hot nun. That’s seduction, betrayal, and cold blooded of the fiercest order – a veritable honey trap for any dude that thinks with his cock. So…all of us. Point.

Michelle Rodriguez as Luz

  • Compatibility: Rodriguez is the closest female version of Trejo in Machete. Their date would start out like Indiana Jones meeting Marion in some faraway Tibetan bar in Raiders of the Lost Ark, but instead of apologies and pleasantries, this would only escalate with cerveza and severed heads until either one of them was dead. That or they’d drunkenly conceive a love child who would one day become the Federale messiah. 1/2 Point.
  • Personality: If the the old adage that opposites attract is remotely true, they’re both screwed. The scenarios wherein one of them doesn’t end up dead are few and far between. No Points.
  • Kill Factor: Judging by her past, Rodriguez knows how to recklessly handle heavy machinery and put lives at stake. Point.

Electra & Elise Avellan as Nurse Mona & Nurse Lisa

  • Compatibility: Twins. Sisters. Hot sisters. Nothing wrong with wanting to spread the love. This has all the makings of one of those Animal Planet specials, with the tagline being ‘watch and observe as Danny Trejo demonstrates his right to exercise polygamy with two girls who are just barely old enough to be a socially acceptable fantasy’. Point.
  • Personality: Who cares? Twins. 2 Points.
  • Kill Factor: Double the pleasure, double the fun, double the bodies. Killing isn’t so different from any other trade in that, scientifically, two heads are better than one, and four boobs better than two. 4 Points.

Mayra Leal as Chica

  • Compatibility: If the schlock-tastic trailer of Leal secreting a cell phone into her husband-hole is to be believed (and for the sake of holy shit!, we do believe it), Leal may be the only one of this bunch who might be able to dominate Danny Trejo in the bedroom, instead of vice-versa. No Points.
  • Personality: Not much is known about Leal, aside from her circus-bred snatch. X-factors usually don’t do well in these contests. Instead of growing a personality, they spent their youth learning how to do strange and terrible things with their vaginas. No Points.
  • Kill Factor: If she can incapacitate Danny Trejo while having a vibrating, beeping phone…holy shit. Point.

Rose McGowan as Cherry Darling

  • Compatibility: If you’re going to be around Danny Trejo, you have to know how to survive hairy situations, of which McGowan has only a so-so record (Scream = dead, Planet Terror = alive), so we’re not sure how she’d make out if Trejo gets a business call in between wine & dessert and has to intercept a hijacked Boeing 707 and eliminate every Lebanese terrorist on board before Chuck Norris does, and makes a movie about it called Delta Force. 1/2 Point.
  • Personality: McGowan is partially known in some circles as a grown-up version of one of the Mean Girls, and if Danny Trejo’s mustache is any indication, it’s that he has zero tolerance for catty B.S. Plus she hooked up with Robert Rodriguez, so, you know, awkward. No Points.
  • Kill Factor: If there’s anything nearly as impressive as Leal’s spacious vagina, it’s McGowan defying the laws of pretty much everything and mowing down soldiers with a gun for a leg. Point.

The Winner:

Tallying the scores, it’s the Allevan sisters, with an impressive seven boobs – I mean points – who take the cake!

Do you think anybody else in Machete should have been included? Would you risk a bodyguard beat down to touch Jessica Alba’s hair?