Remakes are hardly beloved, but some remakes are less beloved than others, and some movies just shouldn’t be remade at all.  With that in mind, here are five movies that some executive is no doubt planning to reboot, probably with “…Begins” in front of the title.

Little Shop of Horrors

Why It Might Be Remade:

  • It’s a lot of fun, and actually quite a toe-tapping musical from the guys who would go on to write the scores for The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast and Aladdin.  And if that didn’t sear your childhood enough, they also did God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater as a musical.  Adapt that, Disney!
  • Also, this movie about a human-munching plant featuring Steve Martin as a sociopathic dentist was directed by Fozzie Bear.  Now that we’re done traumatizing you…
  • Still, the movie itself is kind of a compromise; where the stage show ends with Audrey II devouring Audrey I, Seymour, the shop and the entire earth, and they even shot that ending. But the studio chickened out, instead opting for a happy ending with a sequel hook.  So we could remake it with the original ending and make it better, right?

Why It Shouldn’t:

  • Our remake concerns center entirely around Audrey II.  First of all, Hollywood would use a CGI plant for this.  It just wouldn’t work.  The original’s animatronic plant puppet is pretty close to special effects perfection, probably a side effect of Frank Oz’s extensive puppeteering experience.

Secondly, we’ve got the voice problem.  The original was voiced by Motown legend Levi Stubbs, who has sadly passed on.  We’re afraid Hollywood will just say “Black guy?  Cast Chris Tucker!  NEXT!”  So, let’s leave this one in the vault.


Why It Might Be Remade:

  • Any good movie has, on some level or another, something to say, and we’re about to ruin Caddyshack by insisting the movie featuring Bill Murray chasing a gopher puppet around a golf course with high explosives actually has a message, and that message is: equality is good. And, really, that’s the thing.  Is there anywhere else we can take it?  It has the beauty of a Zen koan.

Why It Shouldn’t Be:

  • OK, so not really, but it’s already funny and bringing it into the twenty-first century and adding jokes about the Internet or Tiger Woods having wandering body parts or whatever isn’t going to do much to improve it.  And consider what Hollywood thinks is funny now.

In fact, we live in terror that Seltzer and Friedberg, the idiots responsible for Meet the Spartans, have already pitched a script that literally has as a joke”

“TIGER WOODS impersonator walks on screen and grabs lead actress’s boobs.


Yes, all Seltzer and Friedberg scripts include “Derp Derp Derp” as dialogue.  It just gets cut out.  Although Bill Murray might murder them in revenge, so a remake wouldn’t be ALL bad.


Why It Might Be Remade:

  • We’re pretty sure a remake of this is rotting on some low-level executive’s desk somewhere in the Hollywood machinery.  It’s probably a darker take on Bill Murray’s classic, set in Iraq, and featuring plenty of poop jokes, as even sex jokes are no longer R-rated fodder according to the MPAA.  We bet it’s got somebody with a latrine truck and, get this, it starts to reverse and sprays the uptight authority figure with fecal matter!
  • Hell, in light of Steve Martin’s recent career, we’re terrified we actually gave Hollywood ideas.  Although that sounds more like a remake of Pauly Shore’s forgotten and rarely appreciated drama “In the Army Now”, but we’re changing the subject.

Why It Shouldn’t:

  • This one should remain a bad idea never given form for one simple reason: there’s only one man who can be Bill Murray, and he’s paid his mortgage, so he’s doing movies with Jim Jarmusch and Wes Anderson now.  He has no interest in crappy Hollywood comedies anymore, especially after The Man Who Knew Too Little.  Plus he’s a little old for the role.

No, Hollywood, Zac Efron is not a suitable substitute.

48 Hours

Why It Might Be Remade:

  • We love both the buddy comedy and seeing the cast back when they were funny and/or relatively sober.  And this is undeniably a really, really funny movie, showcasing not just Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy, but the under appreciated Walter Hill at his finest.  Usually that’s the cue to throw out all the creative personnel and remake it, in the ‘Wood.

Why It Shouldn’t:

  • You’d think the problem would be casting, but as long as Hollywood avoids casting Tracy Morgan and Keanu Reeves, which they probably would in the first place, it’d almost certainly be fine.  But that’s really it, just fine.  Entertaining, but unmemorable, like Avatar after you figured out it was just The Last Samurai with better effects.

How many buddy movies have we seen at this point?  Dozens?  Hundreds?  Thousands?  They all go back to this, and unfortunately the formula has been beaten into the floor at this point.  That’s why it’s down to parodies, like The Other Guys.  It’s better to let this one lie.

And no, you can’t remake Lethal Weapon either.  That’s an equally bad idea, and not just because it will remind everybody of Mel Gibson being drunk and ranting about Jews.

Back To The Future

Why It Might Be Remade:

  • Future is one of those movies everybody unabashedly loves. And, yeah, there’s a reason.  It strikes that pitch perfect tone between a crappy home life and a mocking of ’50s nostalgia to be absolutely timeless. There’s absolutely no need to update it, but there was no need to update most of the remakes Hollywood’s pumped out either.

Why It Shouldn’t:

  • One simple reason: the Parkinson’s jokes. Yes, what happened to Michael J. Fox was sad and his fight with the disease is inspiring, but that’s not going to stop hack comics from crapping out jokes about it.  Here’s Jay Leno’s monologue if the remake is ever announced: “So they’re remaking Back to the Future!  Yeah!  Actually, they’re not remaking it to update it, they’re remaking it because for some reason the prints have started shaking uncontrollably.”  Followed by a guitar rimshot.

We don’t want that.  Nobody wants that.  So let this rest…at least until Jay Leno is off the air.

Any other movies that should be added to the anti-remake vault?  Let us know below!