No matter how bad a movie is, somebody, somewhere, wants to watch it. Just ask the MST3K guys; they picked movies nobody cared about and actually made them so popular the rights to re-release those episodes just cost too much for them to see the light of day. But there are some movies that just defy even that. They’re not so bad they’re good. They’re so bad they’re not worth seeing them on basic cable.
Here are the ten worst, and here’s the kicker: we avoided sequels, indies, direct-to-video and B-movies… and we still had no problem!
Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever
This terrible action movie does have one or two really neat shots (we’re partial to the one following the cop that gets kicked off the roof ourselves) and other fun stuff, but it’s all ruined by a script that makes less sense than Bret Michaels being able to find fifteen women who want to sleep with him bad enough to be in a reality show. That and the ridiculous title. Why couldn’t they just call it Ballistic? We checked; there wasn’t another Hollywood movie with it. Did they seriously think they were going to sell action figures or something.
The Cat in the Hat
This might be the only children’s movie to inflict PTSD on anybody who sees it. Mike Myers looks like the furry version of Pennywise the Clown. Jim Carrey, come back! All is forgiven!
The title is a lie: this is nearly two hours long. Two painful, disjointed hours as Al Pacino screams himself hoarse, mostly because the check he got had enough zeroes. Every actor should be shown this movie, just so they can understand the terrible fate that awaits them.
This movie, on the other hand, IS 88 minutes long. But after the elementary school teachers have sex in front of their students in a scene that feels like a gag from a Monty Python movie, only extended beyond all sanity and about as funny as Shoah, it will feel like three hours. This is what Jason Biggs has been doing with his career, if you were wondering.
Daddy Day Care
Sure, we could pick on pretty much all of Eddie Murphy’s career since The Nutty Professor, but we chose this one because it manages to actually insult the people paying for the tickets. All fathers are incompetent with children! That’s so funny! In 1956! This is so bad, it makes Pluto Nash look good, and this was a hit!
Jenny “Vaccination” McCarthy wrote the script. It features her dancing topless with her breasts covered in vomit. And that’s the most dignified moment in the entire film. It’s like you can hear feminism dissolving in a puddle of horror on the soundtrack.
Exit to Eden
Note from the author: this was the cleanest still I could find. I had to see things that can never be unseen to find it, too. Pay me back by finding any copy of this movie near you and burning it.
Why, yes, the erotica written by Anne Rice might make a fun, sexy, naughty romp. But not starring Rosie O’Donnell and Dan Ackroyd. That’s a horror movie. One we will never forget, no matter how much vodka we inject into our skulls, and Dan Ackroyd even made one for the express purpose of doing so. Granted, porky people in pleather is exactly what the BDSM scene is like in the real world, but there’s no excuse for that kind of verisimilitude.
The Hottie and the Nottie
Well, it’s clear who the “nottie” is supposed to be. Damn, that woman on the left is hideous!
We feel kind of bad for the Nottie here; you know her better as the tomboyish “Al” from Step By Step. We hope she fired her agent, especially since she’s actually talented, unlike everybody else in this turkey.
Here’s what we want to know: who sat down and approved this movie? Did they watch the painfully unfunny sketches? Did they just see the words “SNL character movie” and decide “To hell with it, Wayne’s World made money?’ Was it cocaine? We bet it was cocaine. Thank God MacGruber tanked, or we’d have gotten this movie’s spiritual sequel in fairly short order. Or maybe even a direct sequel. We’re pretty sure Lorne Michaels doesn’t care as long as the check cashes.
Mae West in a sex comedy is hilarious… in 1933. This was shot in the ’70s, and features Alice Cooper, Timothy Dalton, and an entire athletic team wanting to have sex with Mae West, who was in her 80s at the time. What’s terrifying is that this was a stage show first. So people actually paid a lot more to see this, so much more they decided to make a movie out of it that comes off like a Mae West ego piece.
Be glad we didn’t include the shot where she’s staring at a gymnast’s crotch. Because it exists.
And with that, we’re off to the liquor store for cheap booze to burn these movies out of our brains. Until the next time we need to make a list like this.