Here we are, Twitards.  I noticed in the last couple of days that it’s been getting a lot more humid, then I realized that the new Twilight movie, Eclipse,  is coming out this week. Makes sense. Hopefully there will be less moisture in the air after the weekend passes. What? I’m just talking about the weather. Most of you who want to see the movie are probably already in line, or have been for the past year or so. As for the rest of us, Summit is still trying to suck those who don’t give two shi(p)s about the movie into theaters on opening weekend. They release these things called “trailers” that give us a “preview” of what we would see if we were to buy tickets to their piece of art.

Eclipse marks the third time that the Twilight series will grace intelligent movie lovers with its presence. Since movies release multiple trailers, we chose to use the last and final trailer that is released before the movie comes out. Let’s take a look at which of the three had the best trailer, shall we?

1. Twilight

Since the only people who knew about Twilight at the time were insecure teenage girls and horny housewives discovering their sexuality, not many people had heard of Twilight. Knowing this, the filmmakers had to make a trailer to try and appeal to mass audiences of insecure women. What about the guys? They’re the ones who are getting dragged to go see it. So f*** ‘em.

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The trailer starts with the dramatic moment in the first film where Edward uses his super strength to save Bella from an out of control van. Bella then attempts to guess what Edward is by dropping references to Superman and Spiderman.

Nice try with the geek talk, filmmakers. We’re then given a taste of their forbidden romance that is to come when we see them kiss and give each other some sexy looks. I think, at this point, that they realized they had to have some sort of storyline and not just sexual tension. Let’s throw in bad vampires who want to eat Bella! Yeah, that’s it! And by throwing in pretty much all of the action from the movie in the last 20 seconds, we can get dudes excited about the movie!

They did this in order to leave out what the movie is really about = Bella wanting to bang Edward and something else about her emotions that I didn’t really pay attention to. This trailer was made to trick those of us who knew nothing about Twilight that it was a vampire flick. And for that I say screw you, Summit.

Rating: 3/10 I gave it three points for being tricky. It originally got ten points off for making me pay to see the movie.

Was it better or worse than the actual movie? Going to go with better than the movie here due to it being an hour and seventeen minutes shorter.

2. New Moon

Alright, cat’s outta the bag. At the point everyone knows what Twilight and what it’s about. No point in them making deceiving trailers to lure more people in. They have their audience and now it’s time to make sure they stick around for more. Might as well give them what they want, right? Ef yeah, it is!

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After starting off  ”dark” and eerie with snippets of the Volturi and neck snapping, they get into Bella’s lip biting, self-pitying depression, and constipated acting. Edward has left her for her own good, but not for ours. Now we are stuck with Bella to see her moan and go into the fetal position as she sees tries to forget Ed- ohmigod is that Jacob without a shirt?!?! Oh yes, bring out the shirtless boys! That’ll get them into seats!

We get about six moments with our shirtless leads in this trailer. If I were a Twitard, that would be equal to six orgasms. But I’m not, so it was six shots of vodka to try and forget what I just watched. Then they try and end it with some more action to try and remind the guys that it won’t be all bad. Don’t try and sandwich a bunch of constipated acting and talk about emotions with a couple of action sequences. You’re not tricking me again!

Rating: 4/10 I respect you for being honest this time around as far as what you’re selling, but now it makes me not respect you for making that kind of movie to begin with.

Was it better or worse than the actual movie? Better, of course. Sitting through this movie was even more painful than the first. Watching Kristen Stewart moan and complain for two hours is too much. It was hard enough to watch in the trailer.

3. Eclipse

It’s been two movies, but you guys still have more of a story to tell? I (painfully) read the books and, yes, it can all be fit into about the size of a comic book. Most of it is Bella talking about how hard Edward’s body is, how beautiful his eyes are, his cold touch, and much more. I believe I just made all of the women in my apartment complex feel a shiver down their spine by writing that. Oh yes, Twilight is that powerful. Which is why we have our third and most recent trailer:

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Oh boy. Let the love triangle begin! Even though the trailer starts off with some sexual tension, it goes right into what seems to be the main focus of this movie: vampires and werewolves battling to the death! A lot of creepy shots and action sequences. Instead of sandwiching in the emotional stuff with action, they decided to have nothing but action!

Now, given that I haven’t seen this one yet (Yes, I am going to. When you have a girlfriend, it’s kind of obligatory), but watching that trailer makes me feel a bit less dreadful about seeing it. But I do know it is another trick of theirs to make us guys feel like it’s going to be okay. It’s not. It will never be okay. We’re going to get in there and watch them attempt to act as Bella looks constipated and bites her lower lip for 90 minutes.

Rating: 5/10 For a semi-cool action packed trailer. Five points were docked for my inevitable letdown… and because it’s Twilight.

Was it better or worse than the actual movie? I (surprisingly) have not seen this one yet. My girlfriend probably isn’t taking me this time around due to me laughing my way through the last two. But I know I can safely say this trailer is better than the movie. If you disagree with me then you must like Twilight.

The Winner: Eclipse

Because it had the one with the least amount of dialogue and most action. I’m a guy, what’d you expect? But what about you?

Which Twilight trailer is your favorite?

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