All About Steve: Movie Review

 Subjecting my brain cells to the appropriate level of thought required to write a review of  All About Steve is a task of massive effort. There are few cinematic experiences that I have zero interest in re-visiting. This is in my top five.  I’d like to assume that  Sandra Bullock, Bradley Cooper, and Thomas Haden Church (whom I adore), were victims in some sort of sick ploy to make the year’s most abominable feature film. 

Here it goes…

The Plot:

The cross-word puzzle constructing, plastic red boot-wearing, socially inept Mary Horowitz is set up on a blind date with Steve the camera man - and before you know it, wedding bells are blaring. For Mary, that is. Steve, on the other hand, is immediately terrified by her astronomical IQ and her inability to demonstrate a shred of normal human behavior. Once Steve realizes that, no, Mary’s sexual assault in the back of his jeep is NOT turning him on, he conveniently remembers that he’s on location that evening, and has to rush into work. Too bad. Steve’s burning mistake: Instead of simply leaving, he attempts to cushion the blow of rejection with “aww, I wish you could be there!” Be careful what you wish for. 

The Bad:

• Mary Horowitz/Bullock’s Performance: I wanted to like Mary Horowitz. So badly. And I didn’t necessarily dislike her – she was just far too juvenile of a character to feel anything but total and utter confusion towards. There was no real consistency in the written character, or in Bullock’s performance… (other then the fact that the audience was consistently baffled by her existence). The capricious explosions of useless information coupled with her totally outlandish mannerisms were slightly endearing for the first scene or two. I hesitate to type this, but sadly it applies: first time’s funny, second time’s silly, third time’s a spanking. (Mary Horowitz = a stranger to this elementary riddle).
• Theme:? The theme was poorly projected, and therefore left an enormous deficiency in the overtly contrived “pay-off”. Why? Because in order to appreciate a pay off, you’ve got to empathize with both the characters and the story – in this case, both were too bizarre to even scratch the surface of empathy. During the final minutes of the film you’ve got the picturesque rescue scene, the crowd of people cheering for Mary as she’s being hoisted out of a well, and Steve (suddenly!) singing her praises all over national television – and no one in the audience BLINKED. There is no soft way to articulate this: We. Did. Not. Care.
• EVERYTHING ELSE: I could go on, but the fact is, it’s not worth my time to write it or your time to read it.
  

The Good:

• Girl Power? If we’re searching for redeeming aspects of the film, I’ll say this: Bullock, who also produced the film, wanted to tell a story that involved a female being “complete without getting the guy.” Mary gets her happy ending, which is the mere realization that her awkward, inane tendencies that terrify Steve are the traits that characterize who she is. She doesn’t end up with Steve, but can look in the mirror with her head held a little higher having come to this conclusion. Embrace you eccentricities – you’ll find someone just as whacked up as you to love! So, while Bullock is usually Romantic Comedy royalty – this is a more relatable spin on the realities of relationships.

Overall:

Do not waste your money on this film. You will never forgive yourself.

Rating: 2/10