As a die-hard horror fan, I feel I have the right to say that Friday the 13th has never been a particularly intellectual series.  It is has never made chronological sense, nor tried to explain how Jason mysteriously transformed from a drowning 10-year-old boy into a hulking, deformed indestructible killer. But that’s okay. Audiences (for some reason) accept this and enjoy the series for what it is – cheap thrills, kills, and boobies. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy these things as much as the next gore hound. But after number 5, I tune out. Read on, dear reader, and find out why…

After the first Friday the 13th, number four “The Final Chapter” is unanimously recognized by fans as the best. And most star studded – Last American Virgin Lawrence Monoson, Corey Feldman, AND Crispin Glover. Sheesh. Expect no such star power in Friday the 13th part 5 – A New Beginning.

The film opens on Feldman’s Tommy Jarvis, now a teenager and SERIOUSLY fucked up. After being shuffled around from various mental institutions, Tommy has finally landed at a kind of halfway house, where the kids can do as they please. Tommy, of course, doesn’t fit in well with his boggle eyed stare and creepy homemade fright masks. He sees Jason everywhere and has big time anger management issues.  A down right awesome surprise kill in the first 15 minutes leads to more and more of the teenagers’ deaths. There’s less gore here than in previous Friday’s, but the body count is higher, thanks to the fact that this film just brings in random people for one scene then cacks them. Hello greasers, new wave trailer trash, hillbillies and coked out waitresses! Goodbye!

My favorite character in the film is the bad-ass new wave teen with her Debbie Harry hair and constant headphonage. She is killed doing the robot. Amazing.

I don’t want to ruin anything for you, but I think you can guess how this film works. Killing, sex, Jason, etc. etc. But the thing is, we again have a promise of Tommy “turning into” Jason, which they teased us with at the end of four as well. But instead, in number 6, Tommy turns into a hulking soap opera star hero, which I hate. Give me skinny, confused and slightly nutso Tommy! Which is, besides the fact that they just get more and more terrible, I’m off the Friday the 13th boat after 5. (And Yes, I have seen them all.)

If you haven’t seen number 5 in a while, give it another go. Just watch out for those dang enchiladas.