As we journey into this new year of film, lets take a retrospective moment to soak up all that was seen last year and even before then. (humming Jeopardy theme song)… all finished? Good, now lets all remember why we go to the movies.
What have we come to expect from all the different genres that make up this wonderful world of cinema? More importantly what types of dribble keeps getting remade? There is now over 100 years to look back on and help us decide what constitutes great film making. Unfortunately, Hollywood keeps dumping crap on us and like pigs to the slaughter we mindlessly shell out our dough. Enough is enough people! So to help you out, here’s a handy guide for determining if you’re 2009 film is fresh and ready for market, or got spoiled during filming and needs to be dumped in the garbage.
Scenes that involve objects slamming into each other and then needlessly blowing up. Taste test- Spoiled
Yes, we all know this is especially true of Summer blockbusters but it’s time to stop pretending. In case you never saw that episode of MYTHBUSTERS, or just aren’t aware of the Law of Physics, things that run into each other at high velocity just don’t blow up. Crumple yes, erupt into a giant ball or red and black gas, no. This includes cars, trains, bullets, or any combinations of these. Without the aid of an explosive device or highly charged propellant, this just doesn’t happen. The one exception to this rule is Jet airplanes. When jets crash, they do go BOOM! Let’s continue.
Well rounded female characters. Taste test- Fresh
Admittedly I find it entertaining to watch Jessica Alba prance around in a form fitting dress, or drool over the way she spills out of her bikini top when she exits a pool. However once you get past the pouty lips and ample cleavage, most of the time what you have left is a hollow cardboard female character. There are far to many talented screenwriters and actresses running around Hollywood to let this trend continue. Besides, who’s to say a woman can’t be sexy and have great depth. It’s been done before, so whats the reason why we can’t have more strong female character led movies? Seriously parents, have you seen who your daughters role models are these days? Quick, somebody hire Diablo Cody to rewrite the next Wonder Woman movie.
Zombies,Vampires, and Torture. Taste test - Spoiled
Aside from Let The Right One In, which is a fantastic little film, this entire genre which is often lumped together, is really starting to get old. Yes there was a huge cult following for Twilight, and George A. Romero will always be considered a genius in his own right; but how about some new material. Show me a new trailer for any one of these genres and I can tell you what will happen in about twelve seconds. Let’s see more films like Shaun of the Dead and less like 30 Days of Night. Any Wes Craven fans out there? How bout this for a scary fact, Universal Studios has already remade Last House On the Left. Hey Hollywood, here’s a script idea, a vampire bank manager who turns into a werewolf then tortures you until you pay back your kids college loans. Now that’s a film I’d go see.
Realistic Superhero Movies. Taste test- Fresh
Excluding thirty five year old men who live in their parents basement and collect comic book memorabilia, anyone above the age of ten should be aware of the consequences that would befall society if one person had the ability to level an entire city block. So last year when Ironman and The Dark Knight gave us great stories and characters who were responsible for their actions, people took notice. Now with a flood of superhero/villain flicks sure to be headed are way, lets not forget that the bar for this specific genre has been raised. So Producers take note, even if a character can melt people with nuclear heat vision, that doesn’t mean you can get away with over the top special effects and a half hearted plot.
So in closing, with a recession upon us and your cineplex funds likely to be scarce, be sure to check you film for signs of freshness and or the expiration date. Because if there’s one thing we all hate, it’s a rotten movie.
What else do you think is spoiled in the theaters?