As we’re coming to the close of 2008 let us do what Hollywood does best, let’s give out some awards!
Without further delay, here are the winners (we didn’t bother with the whole nominee part) of the first ever ScreenCrave BS Awards. We have the categories you really care about like “Who greenlit this piece of shit“ and many more.
And the awards go to….
Category: Movie that doesn’t need a sequel but will be getting one anyway
Winner: Iron Man
Hailed by critics as “One the best summer blockbusters ever,” Tony Stark’s alter ego earned huge numbers and was an audience favorite. There is a long standing tradition in Hollywood that if a film makes money, they will keep making more of the same film until they bleed the goodness out of it. While Iron Man‘s comic book history does have many different characters and plot lines that could be explored, one has to wonder if Director Jon Favreau can catch lighting in a bottle twice. Let’s just hope the project doesn’t get rushed to a release date, or it could end up looking like… well let’s get to the next film.
Category: Biggest dump on my childhood memories
Winner: Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull
“Indy, I don’t love you!” Although Indy brought in a hefty chunk of change, the word of mouth and critics alike have deemed this latest installment the worst of the four films in the series and quite possibly this year. With two of perhaps the greatest minds in cinema Spielberg and Lucas, one would think that they could sneeze on the camera and make something better than this. Instead of pure genius, we got Shia LaBeouf swinging on vines with monkeys, translucent alien skulls, and CGI killer insects. Do yourself a favor, if you haven’t seen it yet, don’t. When the DVD box set comes out, buy the previous three instead. That way your belief in the great “Indiana Jones” can still remain intact.
Watch the Indiana Jones Rape video.
Category: Best Marketing Campaign
Winner: The Dark Knight
Aside from making more money than the gross national products of most countries; Christopher Nolan’s follow up to Batman Begins was altogether a worldwide smash hit, arguably the best film of the year, and the most talked about movie since who knows when. After the untimely and tragic death of Heath Ledger the marketing for this film could have taken a serious turn for the worst. Instead, the executives at Warner Brothers took the high road and decided to keep it simple and vague. Instead of throwing Ledger’s face around and exploiting his death, they focused on the film’s characters. With a little help from Internet chatter, Myspace, mobile phone companies, and even Domino’s Pizza; this was one of those rare advertising moments where everything came together and the end result was better than anyone could have anticipated.
Category: Movie poster that best proves the Hollywood actresses have gotten way too skinny
Let me start off by saying this is not an attack on Angelina Jolie, I think she is a very talented thespian who has more than proven herself through various roles. Now, can we please get this girl some food! In case you haven’t seen the poster which shows Jolie’s arm clutching a gun (featured above), this was the primary billboard that was put up all over to promote the film. I’m sorry, but It’s hard to look menacing when the arm holding a powerful handgun is the size of a pencil. (True story) When I saw this billboard I had to stop a do a triple take to make sure that somebody hadn’t messed with the poster. Nope, that’s her real arm.
Category: Most shameless paycheck
Winner: Righteous Kill
When Al Pacino and Robert Deniro teamed up in 1995, there time together onscreen was limited but powerful and memorable. So when this movie’s trailer featuring these highly respected cinema icons came out, fans everywhere had great expectations. What they got was less than lackluster performances from both veterans who once again played (GASP) cops. A film that was rental worthy at best, Righteous Kill was slow paced, boring, and the ending was easily figured out halfway through the film. The only thing that could have redeemed this film is if right before the end credits started to roll both actors could have turned to the screen and said, “Well, you’ll always have HEAT.”
Category: Best movie that was a Box office flop
Winner: Speed Racer
It’s hard to say exactly why Speed Racer didn’t perform as well as it was expected to. Was it the marketing, new visual style, or cast of characters? In any case, word from the inside is that more than a few people lost their jobs because of the low sales receipts from the theaters. Maybe, beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder. While the film was widely panned by critics, there was something truly spectacular about the way the Wachowski’s brought the Mach 5 to the big screen. Although their were enough brightly colored race scenes and mesmerizing special effects that might have sent some people into seizures, the end result was an adrenaline filled ride straight to the finish line. While the acting wasn’t anything to write home about, the way in which the movie was put together was. Unfortunately, that in itself could have been the main problem. Speed Racer was so fast and frenetic, it may take us a while to catch up with him. So while Trixie, Racer X and Chim Chim may have all been created more than forty years ago, for now they get signaled into pit row along with all the other films that were ahead of their time.
Category: Who greenlit this piece of shit?
Winner: Meet The Spartans
Every year there’s always a movie that comes out which causes you to wonder who’s running things at the Studio. Meet The Spartans was not only a complete and utter waste of time, but you would have to be no older than 11 to enjoy it (no offense fifth graders). Complete with toilet humor, Carmen Electra, and countless movie spoofs, this one should have have been left on the cutting room floor never to have seen the light of day. There’s more to say, but the Doctor said my blood pressure was to high already.
(Notice how small I made the poster because you really shouldn’t have to see it)
Category: Best New Dark Comedy
Winner: In Bruges
Released in January, In Bruges didn’t really stand much of a chance with all the Oscar contenders still in theaters. This one I wholeheartedly endorse. If you enjoy dark humor, this a sure bet to keep you in stitches. Everyone in the film gives a fantastic comedic performances and when it ends you just know it’s bound to become a cult classic. Most surprising of all is Colin Farrell, who convincingly proves that he can do much more than look good and smoke on camera.
So there you have it. The 2008 ScreenCrave BS Awards have come to a close. Join us next year when we’ll once again give out silly awards and ask the tough and important questions like: “How many more Comic book character movies will they make?”, “Why is Hayden Christensen still allowed to act in film?”, and “How long do you have to wait before you can remake a film like Robocop?”