Welcome Home Brother Charles

The folks at the Grindhouse always put the best shit on the big screen. “Welcome Home Brother Charles” is the quintessence of 70’s blaxploitation. It follows a conflicted brother (Charles) who gets castrated by cops and thrown in jail on trump charges. Upon his release from prison, Charles manifests a new found manhood. The doctor explains, “His penis has grown to frightening limits!” In one of the most unforgettable scenes ever, Charles’ cock grows about 9 feet in length and wraps itself around the neck of an evil police officer, choking the fool to death. “Welcome Home Brother Charles” plays in a double feature with “Penitentiary.” Director Jamaa Fanaka and actor Leon Isaac Kennedy will be present. Only at the Grindhouse. Tuesday. February 12th. 7:30 PM. New Beverly. Tickets at door.

If you prefer sex-appeal that’s a little less offensive and a lot hotter, consider spending Valentine’s Day with Clara Bow. For those not in the the know, Bow was the original 20’s “flapper” girl. Her persona more or less spawned an era of sexual liberation. And despite rumors that she humped an entire USC football team in one sitting, Miss Bow was an innocent soul: an all-too-human “star,” confined to a time when screen idols were supposed to be deities. Watch her rise, then fall hard in the documentary “Clara Bow: Discovering the It Girl.” Thursday. February 14th. 7:30 PM. Hollywood Heritage. Tickets at door.

Ever seen Charlton Heston kill zombies? You want to? “The Omega Man” is the 70’s version of “I am Legend,” in which Heston roams vacant streets of LA, bones a black woman with a huge fro, and eventually dies on a cross like Jesus. In the movie’s best scene, Heston extracts his own blood to use as vaccination against the zombie virus. An African-American child asks Heston, “Do you think your blood will do the trick?” Heston smiles and says, “That’s 180 proof old Anglo-Saxon, baby.” Fuck Michael Moore, we love you Heston! “Omega Man” plays in a double bill with “Silent Running.” Sunday. February 1oth. 3:40 & 7:30 PM. Also Monday. February 11th. 7:30 PM. New Beverly. Tickets at door.

“The Golem,” probably the best silent horror film ever, gets VIP treatment this week, accompanied by live music at an old school revival house. Saturday. 2:30 and 8:15 PM. Also Sunday. 2:30 PM. Old Town Music Hall. Tickets at door.

And the best reason to love Patrick Swayze is at the New Beverly. “Dirty Dancing.” Saturday. February 9th. Midnite. Tickets at door.

Most of the buzz surrounding “Diary of the Dead” indicates it’s is far from awesome. But it’s George Romero and it’s zombies, so I wouldn’t feel right without plugging it here. Starts Friday. February 15th. Through the 21st. Nuart Theatre. Tickets Here.

Searching for further obscurity? See Film Radar.

And once again …

Photo via Grindhouse Film Festival.