Contrary to Jon’s review earlier in the week of Cloverfield, I did not enjoy this film.

I had to go. I was not interested in the movie. Not the previews I’ve seen, nothing I’ve heard, and certainly not the name J.J Abrams. But I knew it would be a big hit, and would do so with the least amount of effort. I had to see it in order to talk shit. They already cheated you into the theatre with a trailer that leaves you asking questions. Sound familiar? From the creators of Lost comes Cloverfield.

I went to the midnight showing, thinking, I hope it’s not crowded. Could there be that many suckers going to a movie they know nothing about. Not one theatre, but 3 sold out theatres at midnight, filled with idiots eager to see this grainy, hand held, camcorder hunk of shit. It was the damn Blair Witch Project with special effects. It was just under 90 minutes and way too long. These two bit television people have created a truly pointless movie, unless you love popcorn.


The story written by Drew Goddard can hardly be called a story. Here it is: Friends separate, something attacks the city, friends try and find each other. There is an attempt to create meaningful characters, but it never happens. No arches, resolutions, or answers are given about these people that we care nothing about. Over a third of the film is dialogue heavy, all at a party with some really bad actors. No one you’ve heard of unless you watch bad television.

When the thing finally attacks the city, we run. I’d say about 20 minutes of running here and there with a shaky camera operator. It is annoying because it happens so often for so long. Nothing happens except for yelling and trying to escape this thing you can hardly see. No one knows what it is or why it’s here, and I don’t think anyone ever will. I don’t think people will care, but it would be nice if the writers were required to think, and not just use gimmicks to get the crowd through the door.

Abrams has assembled a band of nobodies and will make a killing: A crap T.V writer who’s best credit is Lost, a show that confuses itself, a no-name director who hasn’t directed a film in over 10 years, his last being the Pallbearer, a cast with no talent or screen presence, horrible photography, and minimal advertisement because if they would actually show clips of the film, no one would show. The movie relies on its own secrecy and does not work without the element of surprise.

I was tempted to write this review before I saw the movie, because it seemed so predictable and one dimensional. I should have done that. Everything you see in the preview, well that’s pretty much it. Anything not in the preview is not worth seeing. Unless you just have no know what it is. But it is not a traditional film. It’s footage. If you want to see footage of people running, confused, and never get answers, see Cloverfield. You can leave your brain on the car.