Alright alright. Calm down. I know it hasn’t been weekly the past few weeks. I’ve been on top secret missions to try and find out the best information I could for you. It hasn’t been easy… but it has paid off. By the time you’re done reading this, you will have forgotten that I was ever gone and be praising my skills. Well… maybe not.

Anyway, the first thing I did was go undercover as Charlize Theron in Will Smith’s Hancock to get you a glimpse of the new poster and teaser. If you haven’t checked out the teaser yet do so and tell me what you think. Has some potential. I like the concept. Anyway, had to leave the set right before a romantic scene that would have given away my disguise.

Thankfully, Vanity Fair foolishly hired me to be an assistant to some top notch writer, but I ditched him and went to get my own interview and photos with Spielberg and Co. on the set of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Yeah, they offered me a high paying job at the magazine but I shoved it in their face.

Why turn down such an offer? Well, first off, pays me WAY more… aaand I had a chance to sneak on to the set of The Time Travelers Wife to take these snapshots. I couldn’t turn down the chance to get shots of the adaptation of my favorite book. The movie stars Rachel McAdams and Eric Bana. In case you haven’t read it, please go read the book. It’s insanely awesome and you will track me down and thank me when you’re done. Do it before the movie ruins it. No book has touched me like that since reading Ten Priests Alone With Me when I was a boy.

Oh! I also ran into the star of the new monster flick, Cloverfield. We shot the shit a bit and talked about his upcoming movie. If you want to read the whole thing, put your mouse over here and click this.

Okay. Where was I? Sorry. Spielberg just called me. He’s been bugging me since I was on set and won’t stop calling. He keeps asking if he should cast Sacha Baron Cohen as the lead in his new flick. I told him, “If you want people thinking Borat the whole time, go for it.” He took that as a yes and now Sacha is starring in the new Spielberg film. I have to choose my words wisely next time. Sorry movie world.

Anyway. Time to go. Hope that explanation is enough for you as to why I’ve been gone. But now I’m home and dedicated to you guys. If an opportunity presents itself for me to get you news, I will snatch it up. So be happy with what I have given you and sit tight until next time.

*NOTE: Nothing you have read about the way Jon got this information is true. Even this note may or may not be true. The only thing that can be proven is that Jon did read The Time Traveler’s Wife and it is fantastic. So go read it. Now.*